Dear Husband of A Tired Mom
Hey Hubby, my love. This should have been written a long, long time ago. Because without you, tired mom would never exist. This is written to my better half, but if you are a dad with a wife and kid(s), some of this may hit home with you as well, so read on.
Dylan, Thank you for sticking with me during my Crazy. When you could not lure, bribe, or expect a smile from me. When you came home from 4 weeks in South Korea, with 14 hour time difference and 28 hr travel to a grumpy wife who so obviously hated your guts. Thank you for forgiving all that mess. The mess inside me and the mess in the house.
Thank you for getting up with our first one who would not sleep properly for years. I would be up every 90 mins (if lucky) until 2:30-3am and you took over, holding him, walking around the apartment with him to give me a little rest before heading to work. For working so hard to provide for us when you were also sleep deprived.
Thank you for giving me alone time when I tried to get back to fitness although I was burned out and burning the candle both ends. Thank you for understanding that sometimes your needs to go surfing or golfing needed to go on the backburner.
Thank you for providing the kids with activities and a beautiful, supportive father figure who is present and active. Thank you for supporting me in my goals and dreams, even though they make me tired, absent-minded, and dead beat by 8 pm.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally, even when I was at a very dark place and you felt helpless.
And I am sorry for all the grey hair I've caused you.
Like when I didn't know how to do things for myself. When I tried to find happiness in shopping and wasting money on things we did not need.
Or when I was learning to take time to take care of myself and come back home even more stressed out than I was when I left home. I was trying to learn how to give myself permission to go to the gym and take care of my own health and wellbeing. It took a while before I was able to fully allow myself the time and not worry about what happened at home. I was learning to trust your fully capable hands-on taking care of a 1 and 2 years olds.
I am sorry I felt resentment when you "GOT" to drive to work and get 30mins of alone time, twice a day when I was needed 24hr. I was learning the ropes of motherhood. I was learning the true teamwork. I was learning the sacrifice. Because it takes a sacrifice to raise a family. I was learning to be a true partner in this family unit. Because up to that point, I had really only had myself to think and take care of.
I am sorry I felt hate toward you because you "GOT" to travel to the other side of the world for weeks at a time while I was feeling like I was stuck at home with a baby, and two toddlers. I felt like I was the circus director without a staff, in a place I knew no-one. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own life. Depressed, joyless, stuck.
I am sorry I felt like I wanted to leave the house for a week once you got home from your travels, jetlagged, pooped, dead tired. I am sorry I was unable to give you the love you so deserved.
I am sorry I felt resentment for things I was not able to do because we followed your career. I was learning how to deal with the guilt I felt. I felt deep guilty for the young woman I once was who aimed to become PhD and Professor in Sports Sciences. Who swore to herself she was never to be dependent on a man. I felt guilty for the girl who once swore she would never let a man change her plans. And I felt guilty for the woman I had become who was so dedicated to raising her own kids that she put her own needs off.
And I am sorry I could not run the marathon last year with you due to my injury. I know what torture you went through running miles on end when you really do not enjoy running that much. Thank you for the thoughtful anniversary gift (running a marathon) thought. One day, baby, one day... we will do it!
And I am sorry that I haven't thanked you before supporting me in my quest in finding myself through Ironman, through training like a madwoman, even though many other things have been put on hold.
For example, I will no longer travel to Sri Lanka because I cannot train for a week or so. Or how I only walk in running shoes and rarely put on makeup because I swim all the time and how my hair is always messy or wet and not blow-dried and shiny. Or how I hate shopping because that leads to sore feet and it messes up my training. Which leads to barely wearing anything else than training clothes. Or how housework gets neglected because I am busy riding my bike for hours on end.
And I am sorry that I haven't thanked you from the bottom of my heart that you said YES when I suggested you apply for jobs in Norway, the ONE thing leading to where we are today. That day changed our lives.
And I am incredibly proud of the man, husband, and father that you are, even though sometimes you make me mad and frustrated.
And I am so incredibly happy about the life choices we have made together that has lead to our adventurous life together. Despite the fact that you once told me you'd be happy to work for money just staring at screen, and came across a bit boring. I knew there was an adventurous spirit deep underneath the prairie boy's surface.
And I am forever grateful for your support when I am trying to figure this life on my own terms *even when it drives you crazy* and in my own time.
But most of all, I am thankful that you do not try to put me into a mold I do not fit but allow me to live my life the way I see best, exploring my own limits, finding my own ways, living my way (although it rubs on to our daughter) and not try to get me to succumb to a certain norm.
And thank you for working so hard to provide security for us, future for our kids, possibilities, and open-mindedness for our kidlets that they will fall back on.
I would not change a thing in our lives. But if I could go back in time, I would encourage us to:
Get more help with home and kids
Take time for us alone (see the first point)
More date nights on the beach watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean
Run together more
Argue less about laundry
Ask less: Where is....
Ask less: Why is this....
Stop. Sit together. Be together.
And oh yeah, Happy 11th Anniversary that passed two days ago and you forgot. Don't worry, I forgive you.
Without you, our world would be so much more messy, you are the yin to my yang. Together we are dynamite
Love you, Dylan!
XO, Tired Mom Runs